More thanks to go around

Thanksgiving marks the one year anniversary of my blog. Last year I started things off by giving the menu for our 100-mile meal. That was an ambitious feast, rather too ambitious. (The crab stew really sent things over the top.) By the end of Thanksgiving day, I was exhausted from two solid days of cooking, and I hadn't had time to socialize with the people with whom I shared the meal. I knew that I couldn't do something like that again.

Happily, an alternative appeared: a friend of ours who had been joining us for Thanksgiving for years said she would be interested in co-hosting. And even though I've been putting on Thanksgiving dinners single-handedly for something like 25 years, I agreed to this idea. That's how tired I'd gotten! She and I have been working out the details over this past year. Roughly speaking, we're each making half of the meal, with our guests bringing some extras.

It's been an exercise in letting go. Also, in grabbing back and then letting go all over again. At times, this has felt painful, as though I were losing something precious. At other times, I've been able to relax and see that I am gaining time and space, and maybe other things too.

All this "working well with others" includes the pig. He will definitely be a presence at the table. My co-host and one of the guests have told me that they've talked about the wild boar meal they will be eating for Thanksgiving, and they are getting a positive, even envious, response from their friends. I am really looking forward to sharing the pig.

We're having wild boar pâté along with a seasonal vegetable and fruit plate as appetizers. The main dishes will be wild boar ribs (my contribution) and a roast chicken with stuffing (my co-host's). We are both gardeners, and so from our gardens we'll have chard, cauliflower, and potatoes (mashed). We'll also have sweet potatoes,  a pomegranate relish, and a green salad. For dessert, we'll be having an apple crisp and a pumpkin pie. This year I grew Long Island Cheese Squash for their reputed excellence. (Back in August, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough squash for Thanksgiving pie, but the pollination intervention did the trick!) So, the extra-long table (thanks to Iris's ingenuity!) will groan with bounty, as you can see.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for so many things, a list that is too long to go into here. But let me simply say that one thing I am deeply thankful for is that I won't be sitting down to the Thanksgiving table all tuckered out.

Happy Gay Pride Month!

There's a real thrill for me when I come up out of any downtown San Francisco BART station in June. All along Market Street, the big rainbow flags are flying, and it is a site to see.

For many years, my family marched up Market Street on the last Sunday in June, especially when our son was a little boy. We marched with the LGBT Parenting contingent, and it was an absolute balm to get all those cheers! When Nathan was little, the kids' groups were lined up right after the groups for people with HIV-AIDS, and in the late eighties and early nineties, those groups were pretty grim looking. By the time the children came along, I suspect that the crowds were really looking for a sign that life was going to carry on.

At the time, I really needed the boost too. I often felt like I was holding it together all year long as a lesbian mom, more or less in conflict with my family of origin, and so for this one day in June to have tens of thousands of people cheering for me was truly wonderful.

The rainbow flags remind me of all of this.

I saw them this week as when I went into San Francisco to get euros for our trip to Germany. We're leaving on Saturday the 5th and returning late on Saturday the 11th, so there will be an interruption in my posting next week.

It's a business trip to Hanover with a pleasure trip to Berlin added onto the end. Amazingly, when we get to Berlin, we will land smack dab into the middle of Europe's biggest Gay Pride Week!

So, we'll celebrate in a whole new way this year. I've already learned something new, which is that lesbian in German is lesbisch. How about that!

Valentines Day, 2004

I woke up on Saturday, February 14, 2004, feeling down on myself. Feeling like I'd missed out on one of the most important political and personal statements available to me to that point in my life. On Thursday of that week, Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of San Francisco (just across the Bay from us in Berkeley) had started marrying people like me and Iris. It was a shock and a stunner. It sent earthquakes of joy all across the LGBT community, and I had been too stuck in my daily grind to take a day off of work and go get hitched.

And, by Saturday, I was pretty sure the whole thing had been called off. Every hour on Friday, there had been threats of various legal actions, and besides, we all knew these pieces of paper weren't really going to hold up in court.

So, that was the scene as I started my regular Saturday morning on 2/14/04. It was my turn to do the grocery shopping and I had the radio on in the car. To my great surprise, KQED was reporting that, not only was San Francisco still performing weddings, but City Hall itself remained open for business on Saturday, using an all volunteer staff to handle the expected crowd.

I tore home and woke Iris up with a marriage proposal. Lucky for me, she said "yes!" We called our son Nathan, who had spent the night at a friend's, to see if he wanted to go with us. He was a high school senior then, and we hoped he would join us. We did warn him that there would probably be a lot of waiting involved (which turned out to be quite accurate). Happily, he was excited to go.

So we hopped on BART and headed into the City. When we arrived at San Francisco City Hall, at about 10:30 am, it was apparent that the line for the same-sex weddings was being handled in a non-standard way, through an entrance to the rear of the building, and the line of couples already snaked all the way from the back, along one entire side, and then was beginning to turn along the front of the building as well. Heterosexual couples who had booked a Valentines Day wedding date were being allowed into the building from the front entrance.

So, for the next six hours or so, we stood in line, along with many hundreds of other couples, and their friends and family members. The couple in front of us had been together 8 years. The couple behind us had been together 18 years. At the time, we had been together 13 years. We exchanges stories, took pictures of one another, traded back rubs, getting food, and so forth. It was a very festive event, and all of us were acutely aware that we were making history.

At long last, we made the turn into the building, and then truly amazing things began to happen. You became aware of the fact that every single civil servant you encountered was volunteering his or her time that day (remember, it was a Saturday!). From the security guard at the door to the clerk at the desk, these people would look up at you and say, "I am so glad to be here today doing this for you!" Honestly, you could not keep your eyes dry from one bureaucratic step to the next.

After one of these form completion tasks, we went into an anti-room for a moment, and here was a young woman handing out cupcakes. She said that she had been there with friends the day before and felt that there really ought to be cake for the brides and grooms, so she just decided to make it happen!

At last we had our license and we stood in a waiting area just off the balcony over the Rotunda. This is a dark, but dramatic space. We were standing there with at least 10 other couples, all waiting for a Deputy Commissioner to come and get us. We could also see that there were weddings going on all over the balcony just next to us. It was a wedding madhouse. In one regard, I was operating under a sensory overload at this point, but in another, I think I've never felt more alive, more inside of a moment.

I looked up, and there standing in front of me was an old friend I had known 15 years before. She was there to be a witness for another couple who had not shown up. She knew both Iris and I, and we did not have a witness, because Nathan was not yet 18. So, she became our witness. With Nathan standing by, we got married right then.

This photo shows Iris on the left, me on the right, and Nathan above us. We have just come out of City Hall, so we are newly married. The people on the far right are still in the line waiting to get in.

I have in my hand our copy of the license, which, it turned out, never got certified by the State of California. In the end, our 2004 marriage was never valid. In November 2004, We got a letter from the County Clerk offering us our money back, or we had the option of donating it to a fund to fight for marriage equality. We donated the money. Until 2008, when for another brief window of time, it was an option for same-sex couples to wed in California, we hung our 2004 marriage license on the wall in our house.

Now we have the 2008 license hanging on the wall. It has a little more strength behind it, in that it actually got certified by the State, and so we are legally married in California. But now we are a token couple, one of 18,000 (up from the 3200 in 2004!). Right now the rule is that nobody else coming after us can have what we have. They'll have to be satisfied with separate but unequal.


Here's what's true:
Until it is possible for my marriage to Iris to be recognized by the United States government and across all 50 states, my marriage to Iris is not equal to any one of those heterosexual couples' who walked in the front door of City Hall on 2/14/04, even though I have married Iris over and over again.

I am glad we married on 2/14/04, and I thank Gavin Newsom for his courageous step. But this is a far way from being a done deal.

Santa's got a green elf riding in his sleigh

Was Ed Begley Jr riding side-saddle with Santa this year? I'm wondering, because our stockings had some interesting new (to me, anyway) products this year, and even under the tree, there was a definite green tint to things. Here are a few of the notables:

• EcoTowl Bamboo Compostable Cloth "paper" towels. The package comes with 4 washable cloths.
  
• Post-It Recycled Notes. 3M has a small number of products with a higher degree of recycled content, but they state that all their post-its now have 30% post-consumer content.
• Pilot V-Ball BG 05. Pilot is now making several series of pens with an amazing 81 % recycled content! I'm thinking that leaves out the ink.
• Intriguing reading material: Farm City, The Education of an Urban Farmer, by Novella Carpenter.
  
• And then, Santa's biggest offering, my new shiny red wagon. This isn't a new product, but one I'd been wanting in anticipation of the Trader Joe's that is going in this coming year at the very busy corner of Martin Luther King Jr. Drive and University Avenue in Berkeley. We expect traffic and parking to be a problem, and because we are walking distance from the location, my plan is to use a shopping cart. Thanks Santa!

Some thoughts on Christmas trees

I really like having a (formerly) live Christmas tree. We're going out to get ours later today. It's the 19th of December, and so it's a little later that usual for us. We've waited so that our graduate student son, Nathan, could join us in this activity.

Anyway, as I said, I like having a real tree: the smell of the pine, the feel of the needles, even the slight mess on the floor. Yes, even the chore of it. This year, though, I did stop to wonder if this desire of mine came with an unjustifiable footprint price tag. After all, this is basically cutting down trees. Aren't I supposed to be all about planting trees?

And this week in the NY Times, I read an odd story about a Southern California nurseryman who will rent you a potted live tree for about the same price I'll be paying for my cut tree. You can even ask him to tag it so you get the same tree next year. This is because, between holiday seasons, these potted trees live in a parking lot, essentially. I'm hearing, "They took all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum."

My solution for this year came when I read from my favorite tree provider, Delancey Street, "Delancey Street Trees are certified sustainably farmed. Our trees are good for the environment. Sustainable practices promote the best care of land, water, air and nature. Renewable recyclable crops are the key to the future. A new tree is planted for every tree cut. Sites are selected with organic content and best practices of soil and water conservation, proper nutrition, wetland management, IPM, and biodiversity. After the holidays, please leaver your tree curbside without lights or stands and Sunset or Golden Gate with pick up for free and recycle."

It's hard to argue with that!

It's a wrap: gift bags

This is an idea I got from my sister Ann: using cloth remnants to make gift bags. I sew as a hobby, so I do have remnants, but you could also have fun perusing the remnants table at your favorite fabric store. (My fave is Stone Mountain & Daughter.)

You'll also need ribbon or cord for the draw strings. I tend to save up the ribbons from other packages and even floral displays throughout the year. (They may need ironing to restore their utility.) Here's a box I packed this week for shipping.

Gift bags have all kinds of advantages over paper wrapping:

• Ease of wrapping. Kids love wrapping packages with gift bags!
• When the holiday or birthday is over, you have almost no clean-up.
• This is pre-cycling: You are re-using ribbon and fabric and adding zero paper to landfill.
• And, lastly, the look of cloth-wrapped packages is charming.

 The steps are simple. (Read them through before you start.)

1. If the item you want to wrap needs to be boxed, box it. 
2. Consider its size and then cut a piece of fabric double that size, allowing a 1/2 inch seam allowance on 3 sides. At this time also, cut two pieces of ribbon or cord about 5 inches long for the ties. (Select something that goes with the color of your fabric.)
   
3. Finish the side you want to be the top with pinking shears. If you don't have pinking shears, then you should allow a 1/2 seam allowance on that side too.*
4. Fold the fabric in half with the patterned ("good") sides facing inside. You now have one side with a fold and two sides that require a seam. The top should be finished with a zigzag (from the pinking shears).
5. Pin one of the sides. On the other side about 1 inch down from the top, secure the ribbon on the inside between the two pieces of the fabric. Pin the second side of the fabric, anchoring the area where the ribbon is well.
6. Sew together the two sides, back stitching where the ribbon is located. 
7. Clip the bottom two corners at a diagonal to reduce bulk. Turn the bag inside out.

*If you do not have pinking shears, before Step 4, turn down the edges of the two ends and finish the tops with a simple edge.

A new Serenity Prayer?

This morning as I was walking the dog, I found myself remembering (and slightly rewording) a prayer I heard a pastor of First Congregational Church of Oakland say a number of years ago. My version goes something like this:

Relieve me from wanting more than I have, as I have more than I need.

If I could truly embrace this, what serenity I'd feel.

Wreath Wraiths

At our house, we have something of a tradition for the weekend after Thanksgiving. We often go up into the Berkeley hills and look around for greens and fallen stuff. By stuff, I mean just about anything that strikes our fancy--eucalyptus buds, pine cones, dried pods, anything that has survived the first rains and looks interesting.

Back at the house, we take this material and work the greens onto a wreath frame. This year, we got the frames at an art supply store, and we also had one we'd saved from a previous year's purchased wreath.

You can see in this photograph that we attach the twigs with short lengths of wire to the frame.

It takes a fair amount of material to make it around a 12-inch wreath frame. With my once-a-year level of practice, it takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to do this task.

Once you have the greens completed, the fun begins, and you get to do the real decorating. We have two different techniques for attaching the decorations: wire and (most often) glue gun. Wire is hard to work with for the decorations, but if the wreath is intended for kitchen use, it is preferred, because it is non-toxic. One of the wreaths I made this year is composed of California Bay (the greens), cinnamon sticks and red peppers. I kept the use of the glue gun to the absolute minimum.

To glue on the decorations, you put a dot of glue onto a stem of the underlying greens and then hold the decoration in place until the glue dries.

In this way, you work your way around the entire wreath until you have the whole thing anchored.

Below is one of the wreaths we made this year.

100-Mile Thanksgiving

Since 2007, we've been having a 100-mile Thanksgiving at our house, an idea I got after reading Plenty. Basically, you design the menu around foods that are available from farmers, fishermen, beekeepers, and so on, within 100 miles of where you live. If you are having out-of-town guests at your table, you can invite them to bring some ingredients from their area, which extends your possibilities.

It's a fun challenge, and because I live in Northern California, where we have a vibrant farmers' market year round, I figured I had no excuse not to try it.

You end up being able to give thanks for the bounty of your own land, so to speak. I have to think this is the real spirit of Thanksgiving.

So, here's my menu for this year. It reflects another change we made this year, away from meat (other than fish), which came after reading Omnivore's Dilemma.

Pre-Dinner Tastings:
Corn and Black Pepper Crackers (I substitute local honey for the sugar.)
Spring Hill Garlic Cheddar
Spring Hill Smoked Yellow Cheddar

Dinner:
Rock Fish, caught off Fort Bragg, stuffed (stuffing recipe below)
Crab and Cornmeal Stew (I froze local red peppers and tomatoes in July when they were in season.)
Ginger Orange Pomegranate RelishThis is in our stand-in for cranberries. Yum!
Sweet Potatoes and Orange Juice from Joy of Cooking I can't get oranges, but I can get Satsuma tangerines.
French fingerling potatoes baked in parchment with fresh rosemary
Green salad--I'm not sure of the details on this, because a guest is bringing it.
Green vegetable--same story.

Dessert:
Pumpkin pie, from pumpkin I grew in my front yard!
Honey Walnut-Fruit Tart I'm using an ordinary pie crust, not a matzo meal crust.
I'll have whipped cream and also Three Twins Vanilla Ice Cream for toppings.

Beverages:
Another guest is bringing local wine.
I have on hand Calestoga spring water and also some excellent local Gravenstein apple cider.

I promised the recipe for stuffing, and I can actually point to my pumpkin pie and pie crust recipes as well, which recently got published by a French site. The recipes are on page 5 of the issue.

Savory Stuffing

1 egg, beaten
1/4 t. thyme
1/2 t. dill seed
2 T. parsley
1/4 t. salt
dash pepper
1/2 c. butter, melted
3 T. finely chopped onion
2 T. hot water
3 c. bread crumbs
(my mom's recipe calls for white bread, but I'm now making this with whole grain, because I have to bake it from local wheat.)

Combine egg, thyme, dill, parsley, salt, pepper in large bowl. Mix well. In hot butter, saute onion until golden, about 5 minutes. To seasoning, add onion-butter mixture, hot water, and crumbs, tossing lightly to mix well. Stuff the fish (or turkey) and cook according to instructions.